The other working blog title is “Why I need a man”
Two days ago, the kid tells me there’s ‘THE BIGGEST MOTH I HAVE EVER SEEN IN THEKITCHEN‘.
Like any good parent, I go and investigate. 12 seconds in, I can’t find it and I quit. Moths are like ninjas, silent assassins. Or, as one lovely man told me yesterday ‘just think of it as a grey butterfly’. Sure, I said. An undead Zombie butterfly. Pft.
So last night, it’s 10:30, the kiddo is just letting the dogs out and I reach for the vertical blinds in the kitchen when OUT FLIES THE BIGGEST MOTH I HAVE EVER SEEN, except it was no longer one moth. THERE WERE TWO.
So like any responsible adult I shriek and start laughing hysterically. The kid is outside and she hears me and yells OH MY GOD KILL IT.
Here is how it went down:
I run to the closet, grab a broom and an oven mitt. I don’t know what good the oven mitt will do, but it seemed like a damned good idea at the time.
K (from outside): KILL IT
Me: I’M TRYING. IT’S DODGING ME. IT’S GOT THE FLIGHT PATTERN OF A DEMENTED BAT.
K: *scream* THEY’RE OUT HERE TOO. THEY’RE DIVING AT MY HEAD
Me: Get inside!
K: NO! IT CAN CORNER ME INSIDE. I CAN RUN HERE.
Now, keep in mind it’s 10:30 at night and all the windows are open. Why didn’t a single neighbor come and investigate? I’m actually anticipating a visit from the police. And I am truly sorry for my actions.
K: CALL SEAN OR DARRYL! CALL SOMEONE. OH MY GOD KILL IT.
Me: SEAN IS IN TORONTO AND DARRYL…well, I was 3 minutes away from calling Darryl. Sorry, Debbie.
At this point, one of them has found its way into the dining room and I chase hot on his tails. He hides behind the mirror, swings rapidly around the chandelier, bobbing and weaving, taunting me with his moonlight ballet. Finally, I clip his wing with the broom and I BEAT HIM LIKE A RENTED MULE. He dies.
Lisa 1 Moth 0
Back to the kitchen, that stupid bastard moth flew into my light fixture. A globe fixture, and like a boss I trap him. And he will stay there until he dies, or someone kind-hearted like you comes and frees him.
Fun Treat! I decided to depict the event in MS PAINT! (note the laser eyes the moth had. It is to scale) Enjoy!