Tag Archives: Winnipeg

Here I go again on my own

Quick re-cap, I blogged with a fab group of women for about a year over at imperfectlybalanced.com, and while we figure out what direction we wish to move, I’m back here, dribbling nonsense out the ends of my fingers, hoping to still find an audience.

A re-introduction to myself.  I’m a single mom to a teen-aged daughter.  I’m a do-gooder with a potty mouth.  A self-proclaimed domestic Goddess.  Often described as abrasive but likable and I think I’m hilarious.  My mind goes a mile a minute, and I often speak, tweet, Facebook, blog and text before I think at all.  Not Instagram though.  That requires a ton of thought, retakes and filters.

I’ve recently become a Team Beachbody Coach which excites me to NO END.  Needed to kick my generous, but well-shaped ass into gear for my 35th (oh god) birthday, so I’m striving to lose 35 by my 35th.

In these pages you’ll find random ramblings, rantings, recipes, trials and tribulations of an estrogen only household (a boat load of alliteration), how to deal with different dietary needs (she doesn’t eat meat, I devour it still mooing) and what it’s like to date while your child dates, because let me tell you IT’S REALLY, REALLY WEIRD.

If you have any questions about BeachBody, fire away!  If you’d like to collaborate on a blog post, suggest content, share the content, make people read me because I’m hilarious, please, please do.
Thanks!

 

Lisa


Holy MOTH’er’ Trucker

The other working blog title is “Why I need a man”

Two days ago, the kid tells me there’s ‘THE BIGGEST MOTH I HAVE EVER SEEN IN THEKITCHEN‘.

Like any good parent, I go and investigate.  12 seconds in, I can’t find it and I quit.  Moths are like ninjas, silent assassins.  Or, as one lovely man told me yesterday ‘just think of it as a grey butterfly’.  Sure, I said.  An undead Zombie butterfly.  Pft.

So last night, it’s 10:30, the kiddo is just letting the dogs out and I reach for the vertical blinds in the kitchen when OUT FLIES THE BIGGEST MOTH I HAVE EVER SEEN, except it was no longer one moth.  THERE WERE TWO.

So like any responsible adult I shriek and start laughing hysterically.  The kid is outside and she hears me and yells OH MY GOD KILL IT.

Here is how it went down:

I run to the closet, grab a broom and an oven mitt.  I don’t know what good the oven mitt will do, but it seemed like a damned good idea at the time.

K (from outside): KILL IT

Me: I’M TRYING.  IT’S DODGING ME.  IT’S GOT THE FLIGHT PATTERN OF A DEMENTED BAT.

K: *scream* THEY’RE OUT HERE TOO.  THEY’RE DIVING AT MY HEAD

Me: Get inside!

K: NO!  IT CAN CORNER ME INSIDE.  I CAN RUN HERE.

Now, keep in mind it’s 10:30 at night and all the windows are open.  Why didn’t a single neighbor come and investigate?  I’m actually anticipating a visit from the police.  And I am truly sorry for my actions.

K: CALL SEAN OR DARRYL!  CALL SOMEONE.  OH MY GOD KILL IT.

Me: SEAN IS IN TORONTO AND DARRYL…well, I was 3 minutes away from calling Darryl.  Sorry, Debbie.

At this point, one of them has found its way into the dining room and I chase hot on his tails.  He hides behind the mirror, swings rapidly around the chandelier, bobbing and weaving, taunting me with his moonlight ballet.  Finally, I clip his wing with the broom and I BEAT HIM LIKE A RENTED MULE.  He dies.

Lisa 1 Moth 0

Back to the kitchen, that stupid bastard moth flew into my light fixture.  A globe fixture, and like a boss I trap him.   And he will stay there until he dies, or someone kind-hearted like you comes and frees him.

Seriously. He’s trapped. In my light. GET HIM OUT.

 

Fun Treat!  I decided to depict the event in MS PAINT!  (note the laser eyes the moth had.  It is to scale)  Enjoy!

This is how it went down. I am a warrior.


I’ve always wanted to do a duet with Urethra Franklin

The warehouse here has 30ft ceilings, the building shakes from the large trucks hustling down Route 90 and the sounds of the bustling traffic nears a dull roar at times. He was 20 feet away (I measured after the fact for the sake of accuracy) and behind a closed door yet with all that chaos I COULD STILL HEAR HIM PEE.

Self Explanatory

Now I know this is way too much TMI, but I as I sat here in awe, giggling to myself a few things crossed my mind.

  1. What a race horse
  2. His mother should have taught him not to hold it so long
  3. I am not going to be able to make eye contact when he emerges. Hell no.
  4. Did it splash back?
  5. How far back did he have to stand to prevent splash back?
  6. Was there trial and error involved?
  7. How accurate is his aim?
  8. If it’s that loud to me, is it deafening to him?
  9. Does he take pride in his own personal Niagra Falls?
  10. What in the hell is the MATTER with me?

Now don’t get all judgmental on me, had you heard it you’d have thought the SAME DAMN THING. And remember, if you shake it more than twice you’re playing with it.

On the lighter side, I also heard him turn the water on and wash his hands, so mama didn’t fail him too horribly.

**I’m afraid to tag this blog, I can’t imagine how it will turn up in searches.

On twitter?  Follow me! @MsBehavior

(And thanks for those who read along! I exceeded 20,000 views this AM.  Pipe up! I want to know who you are!)


Raising a kid is part joy and part guerilla warfare

All I ever wanted was to provide my daughter with a stable, loving family.  I often feel as though I’ve failed in that regard until this weekend.  We had our Mother’s Day celebration on Saturday, and even though I woke up feeling sick as a dog, there was no damn way I was missing it.

We started the day with home-made waffles and turkey bacon, then headed down to the forks for more tandem bike fun.

Dogged determination and fear. This sums up everything it means to be a parent. (We went over a curb)

We shot around St. B, Whittier park and The Forks before settling in at The Current for lunch.  While sitting there, laughing about our buggy adventures she stopped and said “we are closer than most moms and daughters I think. I’m glad”, and that erased all doubt.  Regardless of what happens in our lives, I have been able to show that young woman that she is my everything and she knows it.  I wish I could have encapsulated the moment.  I hope she remembers it, I know I’ll never forget it.

Heredity determines our eye colour, but our environment is what lights them up. And hers sparkle. “Now look at me, I’m sparkling. A firework, a dancing flame”.

Her enthusiasm to try new things, her devout loyalty to her friends, her belief that she can make a difference and her stubborn iron will have me in awe.  I don’t always agree with her, but I respect her ability to make well-informed thought out choices.  I see glimpses of who she is going to be, and it leaves me marveling.

When we got home from The Forks I was presented with a life-sized home-made card, funky spider necklace, BEASTIE BOYS CD and this:

Can you dig it?

She knows me.  She saved, she called my mom to take her shopping and she went with a list.  I love that kid.  We rounded out the night with a 10:00 showing of Dark Shadows, and we took her friend (like a second child to me). We got shushed, and surprisingly, not thrown out of the theatre.

Nothing says mortifying mothers day like watching 2 12 year olds giggling awkwardly at a cheesy, thinly veiled blow job innuendo joke.  I ALMOST DIED.

At midnight, we dodged about a million man-eating June bugs in the parking lot, screeching like banshees and the day came to a close.

It was perfect from head to toe.

I am blessed.  With her, I have everything I need and more.

 


Walnuts, and chocolate and HEMP, oh my!

So I got my hands on some Hemp Hearts from Manitoba Harvest, and have decided to experiment with different ways to incorporate hemp into my daily life.  Read about the benefits of hemp here.

Last night, I played around in the kitchen and came up with a protein/trail mix type cookie, that I think could easily be tailored to your needs and also baked in a pan and made into granola bars, as well.  This was my first run at it, and I will definitely be playing around with ratios.  Regardless, they are moist and delicious.

Pardon photo quality. My camera is my blackberry, we don’t get fancy. They aren’t pretty, but they ARE tasty.

Ingredients:

1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce

1/2-3/4 c. unpacked brown sugar

1.5 tsp vanilla extract

2 egg whites

1 c. whole wheat flour

1/4 (a little more – one scoop, 32g) c. Weider’s chocolate protein powder

1 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

3/4 tsp allspice

1.25 c. quick cooking oats

1/4 c. dark chocolate chips

1/3 c. chopped walnuts

1/3 c. hemp hearts

1/3 c. dried cranberries

Directions:

  1. Preheat oven to 350ºF.  Grease (or use a baking stone or parchment paper) 2 cookie sheets.
  2. Beat applesauce, brown sugar and vanilla in a large bowl.  In another bowl, use an electric mixer to beat egg whites until they are frothy and begin to firm up.  Fold egg whites into applesauce mixture.  Combine the flour, protein powder, baking soda, salt and allspice.  Fold into egg mixture.  Stir in the oats, chocolate chips (or carob), walnuts, hemp hearts and cranberries.  Drop by heaping teaspoons on toe baking sheets
  3. Bake cookies in preheated oven until set.  About 9-10 minutes.  Remove to wire racks to cool.

This recipe yielded 35 cookies.  The following nutritional information is based on inputting the information on spark people’s recipe builder.

I thoroughly LOVE these.

 Calories 67.5
  Total Fat 1.6 g
  Saturated Fat 0.5 g
  Polyunsaturated Fat 1.2 g
  Monounsaturated Fat 0.3 g
  Cholesterol 0.0 mg
  Sodium 83.0 mg
  Potassium 24.4 mg
  Total Carbohydrate 10.9 g
  Dietary Fiber 1.1 g
  Sugars 5.7 g
  Protein 2.6 g

Wedding crashers and child abductions: How to have the perfect Saturday

First a quick #humblebrag (Yeah, I’m hash tagging on my blog, what of it, twitter?) I’m quickly reaching 20,000 views and I just want to thank you all for reading along!  But please, comment away!  I love hearing what other people have to say!

Today’s entry is going to be a hodge-podge of information, pictures and stories ranging from wedding crashing to child abduction.  Yeah, you read that right. CHILD ABDUCTION.  Now hold the phone, you can dial 9-1-if that makes you feel better but hold off on the final 1 until you hear MY SIDE.  (I was framed)

Saturday was a gorgeous day in the ‘peg, and me and the pre-teen headed down to the Goldeyes Open House.  Beautiful weather, free eats and men in baseball pants.  Really, what more do I need?  NOTHING.

So a quick aside, for those of you who love baseball, and want to support and AMAZING CAUSE (Pancreatic Cancer research) join us on July 9th! for Strike Out Pancreatic Cancer with the Goldeyes.

Tickets are $12/ea and in section D.  The view is something like this

Image

 

email pancanmb@gmail.com for your tickets!

So after the ball game, we wandered over to crash a wedding, and the conversation went something like this:

Me: Hi!  I’m here to crash the Strank wedding

Concierge: 2nd floor ballroom.  Have fun!

Apparently, I don’t look like trouble.

Image

So at this point, the pre-teen is like, “can we gooooooooooooooo?” Because like any good mother, I promised her a trip to the candy train (Sugar Mountain aka the Sugar Shack) at the Forks, and the sweets were SPEAKING TO HER.

We never made it.  Well, we did.  But not before stumbling across this piece of SHEER GENIUS.  Bee 2gether bikes

Naturally, we immediately commandeered one, and tore around the forks like a couple 3-year-old holy terrors.  Look how fierce.

That’s her driving face. She’s a wild woman, and I will never let her drive a car. ever. Even if it means sacrificing my face to rabid lemmings. It isn’t happening.

I’ve relinquished control, and have my first grey hairs to prove it. We nearly took a granny out at the knees. Terror

The rest of the day was spent playing video games, eating sprinkled ice cream (because I am 9 on the inside) chasing ghosts, watching bad moons rise and abducting children.  I’m still getting to that.

They are 12 and 13. Going on 5 and 25 simultaneously. Two of the most independent thinking girls I’ve met.

Sprinkles, like a boss. I’m 9 on the inside. GENTLEMEN, THIS COULD ALL BE YOURS.

running from a gaggle of angry geese. or more realistically, we’ve threatened to drive off leaving the other one behind. There’s only room for one of you, I yelled as I scampered to the car.

or what? rumor has it, you disappear.

Bad moon rising. Was a super moon on Saturday, though no cape in sight. You can’t tell, but that thing WAS HUGE. And way awesome.

So onto the child abduction. I  took the two nearly teenaged pukes to birds hill to get a better view of the moon (it hit its fullest at 10:35 CST).

I pull into the park and find a quiet patch of grass, shut off the lights and open the sunroof to get an optimal view of the glowing orb in the sky.  The girls get outta the car and lay the seats down so they can lay flat staring up and out.  We sit around for about 30 minutes, I’m listening to them laugh and talk freely, as if I don’t exist and we decide it’s time to take off.  One problem.  Hatch won’t open from the inside.

I get out, walk around to the back and open the door.  Just as the hatch comes up, the friend leaps out like a caged animal yelling “FREE AT LAST! SHE TOOK ME!” and books it down the darkened road.

Howling with laughter, and half hoping she gets eaten by wolves, I look around nervously for the police.  Safe for now.

By the way, anyone want to go to Chicken FUCKING Bingo?

Seriously. What is this? Chicken Shit Bingo? Anyone in Oakbank knows what’s what?

 

So that was Saturday.  I didn’t even get into my Sunday, with ginger badminton, toilet scrubbing in fashionable supermom gloves, wet cat barf in a heating vent or being bum rushed by labs.

It’s an exciting existence.  I KNOW YOU WANT TO BE PART OF IT.

 

 


I wear helmets and seatbelts but that won’t help me when inevitably, a meteorite crashes into my house killing me instantly.

Notable: This post contains more coarse language than what is standard.  Do not be fooled, the blog has not been hijacked by sailors, I’ve just discovered pee in my cornflakes.  Read on!

Image

Life is funny.  Sometimes in a side splitting, knee slapping, life fearing, holy shit I’m going to pee myself RIGHT NOW type of way, and others in the more traditional I just broke my fucking funny bone way.

Regardless of how it unfolds, there is a constant truth that plays out.  No matter how prepared you think you are, you are never ready for the curves life throws.  Never.  They don’t teach you what you really need to know, and they can’t because life is a funny bitch.

My life is so unbelievably different from a short 21 days ago that I can barely grasp my bearings, but you buckle up, get back in the saddle etc etc and you ride on.  Chin up, dust off and come back swinging.  Thrust up your middle finger, toss your hair and remind the world that your kindness is not to be mistaken for weakness.  You will in fact cut a bitch.

Taking the bull by the horns so to speak and just re-channeling energy.  Notable events:

May 27th: Air Force 10K – My first ever run.  I’m gonna shake my tail feathers in fabulous fashion.  Get fit.

June 17th: 1/2 Marathon: I’m scared to death.  My training has been nonexistent for 3 weeks.  I need to get moving or I will die.  DIE.  Like dead, and rotting.  Worm food.  So gross.

August 17th: Sky diving. Extra Elevation! 11,000 feet meaning a 45 second free fall.  holyshitwhatthehell.  Want to join me?  Either party in the drop zone bbq area or strap yourself to a virtual stranger and jump!  Let me know, it will be LIFE.CHANGING.

August 18th: Dirty Donkey 5K Mud Run and Obstacle course.  Hit shit. Get fit.  I don’t even know what to say about this except for I must be on drugs.  Their work outs are psychotic and they do these things called CHURPIES FOR FUN.  So essentially, it’s a burpee that leads to a chin up that finishes in a toe touch AND WHO DOES THAT?

Join my team! MuddFlappers!

So tell me, how do you deal with adversity, and won’t you get fit with me?  Also, I make great waffles, so we can just fuck this fitness stuff and CARB LOAD.