If you want to be friends with benefits, it better include dental insurance.

In order to maintain a professional edge, you should be updating your resume on the regular.  Any new skill set, course, or attribute should be added as it occurs to keep it current and fresh.  You never know when an opportunity will knock.

Have you ever considered your romantical resume? Regardless of your relationship status, I encourage you (for FUN) to write out your dating profile as though you were currently on the market. Would you date you? Would your spouse date you again?  Hell, would you date your partner after reading theirs?

I got to thinking about what mine would look like, and good GOD.  Heaven help you, if you bite the worm that’s wiggling on this hook.  Here goes nothing:

Now apparently, every successful dating profile has a catchy Tagline.  This is most important, as it will grab your potential mates’ attention.  You are looking for the right type of person, not every person.

If this wasn’t so damn funny I would fucking cry. Oh someecards, you so get me.

Like Bacon?  How about HAM? (Hot Ass Mess) Look no further!

Hi, my name is Lisa and I’m an emotionally unavailable 32-year-old mother of a nearly teenage daughter.  I have 2 lab crosses, one with a neurological eating disorder and the other has entitlement issues.  I’m also a fur mama to a nameless cat who is the reason why I CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.  Apparently, my world is her scratching post.  She also enjoys long naps on your clothes, shedding like it’s her job and barfing near heating vents at inopportune times.  (There are also 2 rats, but we’re not getting into that right now).

I am a loud, passionate person by nature.  Big mouth, bigger heart, biggest backside sums me up nicely.  I frequently would rather be right than kind, I will argue my point until vultures are circling, and I need to see every possible side to a topic before I am willing to let it drop, I hope you can keep up.  I’m spontaneous, child like and fiercely loyal; to a fault.  I make impressions.  People like me, or despise me immediately and there is usually no changing their mind.  I will go for the jugular and I’d rather show anger than hurt.

I enjoy all the little things, and will look for unique ways to show my appreciation.  I do have baggage, but even my emotional baggage is designer, and it goes with everything.  I don’t need anything fancy, nor do I expect to be lavished with gifts (but don’t let that stop you, I am EVER SO APPRECIATIVE OF PRESENTS).  All I expect is to be treated with kindness and respect, and you to be a person of your word.  Without it, you have nothing.

I don’t know what I’m looking for aside from keys and my favourite red shoes which are never where I left them.  I’m a woman, it’s my job to change my mind.  I’ve re-written this blog 3 x’s and I’m still not satisfied with it.  Life changes, you need to learn how to roll with it.

I like to cook, and fitness is an ever-increasing important part of my life, but I’m still a work in progress.  And sometimes nachos ARE dinner and tough titties to you if you can’t hack it.  I like Froot Loops, and drink Earl Grey tea because it tastes like Froot Loops.  Regardless of the fact that KD is the leading cause of cellulite I eat it willingly.  I will scoop mashed potatoes up with pickles, eat my steak still mooing and think vegans make great appetizers.

Against all logic, I will on occasion mug a nun for a McDonald’s cheeseburger.  I don’t care that it’s 95% preservatives 5% crushed up babies.  It.is.delicious.

I blog, I overreact, and I’m vulgar.  I’m also one of the most caring, generous and loving people you’re ever going to meet.  Your mother will almost certainly dislike me, but feel guilty about doing so, and I will be just as comfortable having beer with your buddies as I will be having dinner with your boss.

I read, a lot, and mental stimulation is an absolute must.  Above all else however, my daughter is my number one priority.  She always has been, and she always will be.  And between teenage angst, needy pets, an overtly appealingly challenging personality plus my inability to ever be wrong you best have a big mouth, because that’s a lot to bite off.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon!

Lisa

See how FUN that was people?  Go write your own!  Share it with me!  Critique mine!   Let’s have some serious late morning-mid afternoon fun with this small slice of absolute insanity.

And GO!

 

OH ALSO.  I don’t mind getting caught in the rain if only to prove to my haters that I will not in fact melt.  Bitches.

 

 


Raising a kid is part joy and part guerilla warfare

All I ever wanted was to provide my daughter with a stable, loving family.  I often feel as though I’ve failed in that regard until this weekend.  We had our Mother’s Day celebration on Saturday, and even though I woke up feeling sick as a dog, there was no damn way I was missing it.

We started the day with home-made waffles and turkey bacon, then headed down to the forks for more tandem bike fun.

Dogged determination and fear. This sums up everything it means to be a parent. (We went over a curb)

We shot around St. B, Whittier park and The Forks before settling in at The Current for lunch.  While sitting there, laughing about our buggy adventures she stopped and said “we are closer than most moms and daughters I think. I’m glad”, and that erased all doubt.  Regardless of what happens in our lives, I have been able to show that young woman that she is my everything and she knows it.  I wish I could have encapsulated the moment.  I hope she remembers it, I know I’ll never forget it.

Heredity determines our eye colour, but our environment is what lights them up. And hers sparkle. “Now look at me, I’m sparkling. A firework, a dancing flame”.

Her enthusiasm to try new things, her devout loyalty to her friends, her belief that she can make a difference and her stubborn iron will have me in awe.  I don’t always agree with her, but I respect her ability to make well-informed thought out choices.  I see glimpses of who she is going to be, and it leaves me marveling.

When we got home from The Forks I was presented with a life-sized home-made card, funky spider necklace, BEASTIE BOYS CD and this:

Can you dig it?

She knows me.  She saved, she called my mom to take her shopping and she went with a list.  I love that kid.  We rounded out the night with a 10:00 showing of Dark Shadows, and we took her friend (like a second child to me). We got shushed, and surprisingly, not thrown out of the theatre.

Nothing says mortifying mothers day like watching 2 12 year olds giggling awkwardly at a cheesy, thinly veiled blow job innuendo joke.  I ALMOST DIED.

At midnight, we dodged about a million man-eating June bugs in the parking lot, screeching like banshees and the day came to a close.

It was perfect from head to toe.

I am blessed.  With her, I have everything I need and more.

 


Hemp, Hemp, Hurray!

Hemp day 2!

I make smoothies for breakfast occasionally, especially when I’m too lazy to make a proper meal.  I can pour it in a cup and take it to go.  Portable and handy!

Normally, I would use milk (white or chocolate) a frozen banana and a rounded TBSP of peanut butter.  Sometimes protein powder if I used white milk, but not always.

This morning, I tried something all new !  A co-worker gave me a box of unsweetened almond milk so I figured I’d give it a go!

 

no fuss, no muss. GIT ‘ER DONE

Ingredients:

1 c. unsweetened almond milk**

1 scoop chocolate protein powder

1 frozen banana

2 TBSP hemp hearts (Available from Manitoba Harvest.  Go now!)

Directions:

Throw in blender.  Turn it on.  DONE.

This was SO incredibly amazing.  The hemp hearts added a beautiful texture and flavour, the almond milk was silky smooth and I really do love the taste of this protein powder.

Regular rotation.

**Will be making hemp milk soon, and will post results of smoothie with substitution.


Walnuts, and chocolate and HEMP, oh my!

So I got my hands on some Hemp Hearts from Manitoba Harvest, and have decided to experiment with different ways to incorporate hemp into my daily life.  Read about the benefits of hemp here.

Last night, I played around in the kitchen and came up with a protein/trail mix type cookie, that I think could easily be tailored to your needs and also baked in a pan and made into granola bars, as well.  This was my first run at it, and I will definitely be playing around with ratios.  Regardless, they are moist and delicious.

Pardon photo quality. My camera is my blackberry, we don’t get fancy. They aren’t pretty, but they ARE tasty.

Ingredients:

1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce

1/2-3/4 c. unpacked brown sugar

1.5 tsp vanilla extract

2 egg whites

1 c. whole wheat flour

1/4 (a little more – one scoop, 32g) c. Weider’s chocolate protein powder

1 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

3/4 tsp allspice

1.25 c. quick cooking oats

1/4 c. dark chocolate chips

1/3 c. chopped walnuts

1/3 c. hemp hearts

1/3 c. dried cranberries

Directions:

  1. Preheat oven to 350ºF.  Grease (or use a baking stone or parchment paper) 2 cookie sheets.
  2. Beat applesauce, brown sugar and vanilla in a large bowl.  In another bowl, use an electric mixer to beat egg whites until they are frothy and begin to firm up.  Fold egg whites into applesauce mixture.  Combine the flour, protein powder, baking soda, salt and allspice.  Fold into egg mixture.  Stir in the oats, chocolate chips (or carob), walnuts, hemp hearts and cranberries.  Drop by heaping teaspoons on toe baking sheets
  3. Bake cookies in preheated oven until set.  About 9-10 minutes.  Remove to wire racks to cool.

This recipe yielded 35 cookies.  The following nutritional information is based on inputting the information on spark people’s recipe builder.

I thoroughly LOVE these.

 Calories 67.5
  Total Fat 1.6 g
  Saturated Fat 0.5 g
  Polyunsaturated Fat 1.2 g
  Monounsaturated Fat 0.3 g
  Cholesterol 0.0 mg
  Sodium 83.0 mg
  Potassium 24.4 mg
  Total Carbohydrate 10.9 g
  Dietary Fiber 1.1 g
  Sugars 5.7 g
  Protein 2.6 g

Wedding crashers and child abductions: How to have the perfect Saturday

First a quick #humblebrag (Yeah, I’m hash tagging on my blog, what of it, twitter?) I’m quickly reaching 20,000 views and I just want to thank you all for reading along!  But please, comment away!  I love hearing what other people have to say!

Today’s entry is going to be a hodge-podge of information, pictures and stories ranging from wedding crashing to child abduction.  Yeah, you read that right. CHILD ABDUCTION.  Now hold the phone, you can dial 9-1-if that makes you feel better but hold off on the final 1 until you hear MY SIDE.  (I was framed)

Saturday was a gorgeous day in the ‘peg, and me and the pre-teen headed down to the Goldeyes Open House.  Beautiful weather, free eats and men in baseball pants.  Really, what more do I need?  NOTHING.

So a quick aside, for those of you who love baseball, and want to support and AMAZING CAUSE (Pancreatic Cancer research) join us on July 9th! for Strike Out Pancreatic Cancer with the Goldeyes.

Tickets are $12/ea and in section D.  The view is something like this

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email pancanmb@gmail.com for your tickets!

So after the ball game, we wandered over to crash a wedding, and the conversation went something like this:

Me: Hi!  I’m here to crash the Strank wedding

Concierge: 2nd floor ballroom.  Have fun!

Apparently, I don’t look like trouble.

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So at this point, the pre-teen is like, “can we gooooooooooooooo?” Because like any good mother, I promised her a trip to the candy train (Sugar Mountain aka the Sugar Shack) at the Forks, and the sweets were SPEAKING TO HER.

We never made it.  Well, we did.  But not before stumbling across this piece of SHEER GENIUS.  Bee 2gether bikes

Naturally, we immediately commandeered one, and tore around the forks like a couple 3-year-old holy terrors.  Look how fierce.

That’s her driving face. She’s a wild woman, and I will never let her drive a car. ever. Even if it means sacrificing my face to rabid lemmings. It isn’t happening.

I’ve relinquished control, and have my first grey hairs to prove it. We nearly took a granny out at the knees. Terror

The rest of the day was spent playing video games, eating sprinkled ice cream (because I am 9 on the inside) chasing ghosts, watching bad moons rise and abducting children.  I’m still getting to that.

They are 12 and 13. Going on 5 and 25 simultaneously. Two of the most independent thinking girls I’ve met.

Sprinkles, like a boss. I’m 9 on the inside. GENTLEMEN, THIS COULD ALL BE YOURS.

running from a gaggle of angry geese. or more realistically, we’ve threatened to drive off leaving the other one behind. There’s only room for one of you, I yelled as I scampered to the car.

or what? rumor has it, you disappear.

Bad moon rising. Was a super moon on Saturday, though no cape in sight. You can’t tell, but that thing WAS HUGE. And way awesome.

So onto the child abduction. I  took the two nearly teenaged pukes to birds hill to get a better view of the moon (it hit its fullest at 10:35 CST).

I pull into the park and find a quiet patch of grass, shut off the lights and open the sunroof to get an optimal view of the glowing orb in the sky.  The girls get outta the car and lay the seats down so they can lay flat staring up and out.  We sit around for about 30 minutes, I’m listening to them laugh and talk freely, as if I don’t exist and we decide it’s time to take off.  One problem.  Hatch won’t open from the inside.

I get out, walk around to the back and open the door.  Just as the hatch comes up, the friend leaps out like a caged animal yelling “FREE AT LAST! SHE TOOK ME!” and books it down the darkened road.

Howling with laughter, and half hoping she gets eaten by wolves, I look around nervously for the police.  Safe for now.

By the way, anyone want to go to Chicken FUCKING Bingo?

Seriously. What is this? Chicken Shit Bingo? Anyone in Oakbank knows what’s what?

 

So that was Saturday.  I didn’t even get into my Sunday, with ginger badminton, toilet scrubbing in fashionable supermom gloves, wet cat barf in a heating vent or being bum rushed by labs.

It’s an exciting existence.  I KNOW YOU WANT TO BE PART OF IT.

 

 


How I discovered a Zombie Apocalypse

This entirely true story of the Zombie Apocalypse came to be all because of a little lady named Samantha.  Her friends call her Sammy.

Let me introduce you to her!

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Oh I’m sorry.  Were you not expecting a rodent?  Not many do.  So here’s how Samantha unintentionally led me to the town formerly known as Grunthal Manitoba.

Sammy is not my rat, she belongs to my daughter’s best friend Cindy, and she has a growth (Sammy has a growth, not Cindy – let’s be clear.  As the story unfolds it will be clear that nothing is clear.).  One that I learned on Thursday was apparently treatable and removable by Cindy’s aunt in Grunthal.  The problem of course is Cindy is only 13, can’t drive and no one in her family has much interest in the goings on of her life or the life of the animals under her care.  But I digress.

Well, what the hell I tell my kid.  I’m not doing anything Saturday.  We will take Sammy to Grunthal.  And that set the ball rolling for what was to become the most bizarre afternoon of my life.

I was pretty stoked for the drive, looking forward to the big prairie sky, wide open highway and fresh country air.

About 20 minutes south of Winnipeg, I open the sun roof, roll down the windows and inhale the glorious smell of…poo.  It was so overpoweringly wretched, as though someone placed a huge steaming pile of excrement on my engine and it was blowing full force into my mouth.  I nearly barfed.  Quickly rolling up the windows and sunroof, I learned that I can hold my breath for 47 MISSISSIPPI’s while driving without losing consciousness.

As we roll into the town of Grunthal, I start making small talk with Cindy who is showing increased anxiety over the uncertain future of her rat.

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I'm not gonna lie. What little make up is left on my face is trace evidence of CoachShella the night before. I splashed, but did not scrub. HATE ON.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I asked her questions like, “Is your aunt the Vet out in Grunthal?” and she responded with answers like, “No, she’s a painter, but knows a lot about animals”.

We drove on in silence as I tried to wrap my head around what in the hell I just got myself, and my new bff Sammy into.

Pulling into the parking area of the aunt’s house, my initial gut reaction is holy shit, we need to get out of here.  Serial killers lurk in shadows like these. The house looked as though it was pulled out of a horror movie and dropped next to Granny’s Poultry.  It looked a lot like this, but with dirtier doors, and more falling down fences.

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Little shop of horrors

The next thing I notice is the horses in the distance.  And as I reluctantly step out of the car, my thoughts of the place being haunted are reaffirmed by the appearance of a big filthy white dog on the porch.  A dog named ghost.  Great.

We walk in and I am immediately assaulted with the overtly pungent smell of a house with too many cats, not enough litter boxes, a kid drinking a beer and a few other soldiers littering the table.  Next thing I see are count ’em 1,2,3,4,5,6 more dogs! 4 poms running loose, and 2 poodles who I’ve been informed are registered purebreds valued at $1200 a piece.  The 2 curly dogs are in their kennels because there is an 8th dog who is staring at me with what can only be described as a please, please, please get me the fuckouttahere, look in her eyes.  Her name is Amber.  She’s a bitch in heat, just dropped off and there are 2 Poms fighting to knock her up.  Great.

I tread gingerly (shoes on, she didn’t say to keep ’em on, but I ain’t walking on that floor) and sit on a chair that is more duct tape than chair and I stare in fascination at the woman I have already decided is NOT touching the damn rat and ask her what she thinks.

She examines the rat as I watch 2 dogs making coitus and the male dog continues to miss it’s mark.  Frustrated, he hops around to the front of his lady and starts humping her face while the other even smaller Pom is growling and jumping trying desperately to plant his seed.

Enthralled that people actually live like this I start peppering her with questions.  She has 7 dogs, 8 cats, 3 horses, 1 cow, 20 chickens, geese and a turkey.

I don’t think any of the animals are fixed and she often breeds her dogs which makes me so angry I want to feed her to the pigs I’m assuming she has in the back to eat the bodies of her unsuspecting neighbors.

An hour has ticked by. She has given no diagnosis, and I am literally itching to get out.  She is convinced it’s an infection but of course has no antibiotics.  Cindy can’t afford the vet which is why we were out in Looney Toon country to begin with.  So, after driving 75 KM ONE WAY and sitting in animal filth for 60 minutes the verdict is in.  This is WHAT SHE ACTUALLY SAYS

Penicillin comes from mold.  Feed the rat moldy bread”.

And just like that, we’re fucking out.

Wait!  You’re saying (if you’re still with me.  I know you’re still with me, we haven’t touched the Zombies yet)

Cruising back into the entirely vacant town of Grunthal, I squeal into the deserted parking lot of Grunthal Grocery, burst through the doors and holler at the cashier “Lead me to your hand sanitizer and lint rollers please!”

One looks at me slack jawed, unmoving, unblinking and the other wordlessly points to my desired items.  Before I even hit the till I’m scrubbing the everlovinghell out of my hands, elbows, eyes and mouth relishing in the burn of the alcohol.

Eying the produce, I figure I’ll grab a few apples for the girls for the ride home.  Upon closer inspection the bushel of Macintosh apples are so old and wrinkled the skin is literally puckering away from the flesh of the fruit. I hazard a glance up at the limes.  Dried and puckered.  The kiwis have more wrinkles than an octogenarian convention and it dawns on me that I have yet to see another living soul.

I nervously pay for my goods, keeping a safe distance from the what can only be an undead cashier (I’m telling you, a piece of flesh fell FROM HER FACE) and run out to the car.

I throw the hand sanitizer in the car, lint roll the equivalent of 6 pygmy horses off my shirt and tell the girls I think the town of Grunthal has been taken over by zombies.

Looking up and down the street we see no one.  No traffic, no people, no life.

Laughingly, I remember I saw the fire department on the way in. Surely, they could save us.  As we creep up, the parking lot is littered with empty pick up trucks, all garage doors are up, turn out coats are flashing in the sunlight and we see no one.

HOLD ON GIRLS! I yell as we tear down the highway and on to safety as Eye of the Tiger plays on the radio.

That is how we discovered and survived the Apocalypse.

Oh! Later, I found a blow up doll in a tree.

Truth.

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Strange.

 


Stop licking the carpet

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Being a parent is glamorous, and if you have pets and no kids you can totally relate.  If you have pets and kids, you’re my kind of crazy because that shit just gets wild.

Sticking with the life is unpredictable theme, I thought it would be fun to reminisce about all the glorious, soul enriching experiences that are to be had as (fur) parents.

I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up; I still don’t, but I know those fantasies looked nothing like the reality I now face.

It isn’t until a little furry or squirmy being relies on you for sustenance and existence that you fully grasp how incredible life is.

For example, it wasn’t until I had a dog that I ever even imagined that I would yell things like “STOP LICKING THE CARPET” or maybe “WE HAVE COMPANY!  LICK YOUR BALLS SOMEWHERE ELSE”.

There is the all-time crowd pleasing question of “Honey, are you farting or did the dog shit in the hall again?”

Then there’s the wild array of questions thrown at you when the kids finally learn to speak (silence IS golden.  Appreciate.)  You get to say things like, “No, snot is NOT a vegetable.  Yes, I know it’s green, it’s still NOT a vegetable” and “It only looks like chocolate.  Don’t taste it”.  If you’ve got boys, Jeebus help you, they’ll thunder out loud at the most inopportune time.  Like during silent reading time at the library.  Things like “MOMMY!  MY PENIS GETS BIGGER WHEN I PULL IT LIKE THIS!” and he WILL proceed to pull it, just like that.

You’ll sometimes feel as though you’ve dodged a bullet.  Your child, against all odds has never embarrassed you.  Never let your guard down, that’s when they strike.

Picture it, Christmas.  Holiday best attire, the finest china and all your uptight relatives gathered around the table.  You’re part way through asking Aunt Sara to pass the potatoes when you hear your little angel telling Grandma “MOMMY AND DADDY MAKE A LOT OF NOISE WHEN THEY GO TO BED AT NIGHT. WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY’RE DOING?” or if you’re really blessed “I SAW MOMMY AND DADDY WRESTLING NAKED!  IT LOOKED LIKE MOMMY WAS WINNING.  SHE WAS ON TOP”.  Please, Sarah.  PASS THE FUCKING POTATOES.

You learn to dress in black; or white depending upon what colour fur the dogs have, and what colour puke the kids have, you artistically arrange furniture and buy plants to place over the stains in the carpet, because try as you might purple-koolaid-puke-does-NOT-wash-out, you convince yourself that greasy-chic hair IS cutting edge, sleep is overrated, fashion is underrated and the various stains are just an organic new pattern.

When you have dogs and kids, it gets a little trickier.  You have to make sure that neither the child nor the dog eats the presents in the cat box, that the kid doesn’t eat the dog food, that the cat doesn’t eat the kid.  You will be sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, and sobbing on a daily basis.  There are boundaries.  The cat can go here, but not here, the dog isn’t allowed over there, and the kid must be secured in a bubble.

One day you’ll be half way to the vet and realize the kid is on the leash, the dog is in the baby carrier and the cat is driving the fucking car?

Welcome to adulthood.  Your future looks furry.