If you want to be friends with benefits, it better include dental insurance.

In order to maintain a professional edge, you should be updating your resume on the regular.  Any new skill set, course, or attribute should be added as it occurs to keep it current and fresh.  You never know when an opportunity will knock.

Have you ever considered your romantical resume? Regardless of your relationship status, I encourage you (for FUN) to write out your dating profile as though you were currently on the market. Would you date you? Would your spouse date you again?  Hell, would you date your partner after reading theirs?

I got to thinking about what mine would look like, and good GOD.  Heaven help you, if you bite the worm that’s wiggling on this hook.  Here goes nothing:

Now apparently, every successful dating profile has a catchy Tagline.  This is most important, as it will grab your potential mates’ attention.  You are looking for the right type of person, not every person.

If this wasn’t so damn funny I would fucking cry. Oh someecards, you so get me.

Like Bacon?  How about HAM? (Hot Ass Mess) Look no further!

Hi, my name is Lisa and I’m an emotionally unavailable 32-year-old mother of a nearly teenage daughter.  I have 2 lab crosses, one with a neurological eating disorder and the other has entitlement issues.  I’m also a fur mama to a nameless cat who is the reason why I CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.  Apparently, my world is her scratching post.  She also enjoys long naps on your clothes, shedding like it’s her job and barfing near heating vents at inopportune times.  (There are also 2 rats, but we’re not getting into that right now).

I am a loud, passionate person by nature.  Big mouth, bigger heart, biggest backside sums me up nicely.  I frequently would rather be right than kind, I will argue my point until vultures are circling, and I need to see every possible side to a topic before I am willing to let it drop, I hope you can keep up.  I’m spontaneous, child like and fiercely loyal; to a fault.  I make impressions.  People like me, or despise me immediately and there is usually no changing their mind.  I will go for the jugular and I’d rather show anger than hurt.

I enjoy all the little things, and will look for unique ways to show my appreciation.  I do have baggage, but even my emotional baggage is designer, and it goes with everything.  I don’t need anything fancy, nor do I expect to be lavished with gifts (but don’t let that stop you, I am EVER SO APPRECIATIVE OF PRESENTS).  All I expect is to be treated with kindness and respect, and you to be a person of your word.  Without it, you have nothing.

I don’t know what I’m looking for aside from keys and my favourite red shoes which are never where I left them.  I’m a woman, it’s my job to change my mind.  I’ve re-written this blog 3 x’s and I’m still not satisfied with it.  Life changes, you need to learn how to roll with it.

I like to cook, and fitness is an ever-increasing important part of my life, but I’m still a work in progress.  And sometimes nachos ARE dinner and tough titties to you if you can’t hack it.  I like Froot Loops, and drink Earl Grey tea because it tastes like Froot Loops.  Regardless of the fact that KD is the leading cause of cellulite I eat it willingly.  I will scoop mashed potatoes up with pickles, eat my steak still mooing and think vegans make great appetizers.

Against all logic, I will on occasion mug a nun for a McDonald’s cheeseburger.  I don’t care that it’s 95% preservatives 5% crushed up babies.  It.is.delicious.

I blog, I overreact, and I’m vulgar.  I’m also one of the most caring, generous and loving people you’re ever going to meet.  Your mother will almost certainly dislike me, but feel guilty about doing so, and I will be just as comfortable having beer with your buddies as I will be having dinner with your boss.

I read, a lot, and mental stimulation is an absolute must.  Above all else however, my daughter is my number one priority.  She always has been, and she always will be.  And between teenage angst, needy pets, an overtly appealingly challenging personality plus my inability to ever be wrong you best have a big mouth, because that’s a lot to bite off.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon!


See how FUN that was people?  Go write your own!  Share it with me!  Critique mine!   Let’s have some serious late morning-mid afternoon fun with this small slice of absolute insanity.

And GO!


OH ALSO.  I don’t mind getting caught in the rain if only to prove to my haters that I will not in fact melt.  Bitches.




About MsBehavior

I’m a vintage loving, suburban living, book collecting, kitchen destroying, thrifting ninja, single mama of a smart, salty, sassy teenager. Unicorn aficionado. Flamingo enthusiast. Love all things sparkly. Connoisseur of foul language. Insufferable do-gooder. Big mouth. Bigger heart. Biggest backside. Begrudging romantic. Will blog and tweet for money. I make things. You can buy those things. Hey man, I’ve got bills. View all posts by MsBehavior

6 responses to “If you want to be friends with benefits, it better include dental insurance.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: