Christmas with the co-workers

Nothing says Christmas cheer more than forced frivolity. It’s not that I hate the concept of an office Christmas party, it’s the looking for a new job in the New Year that really grates my cheese.

To start with, if I cared, and was politically correct in any sense, not everyone has a holiday in December, so these parties start off being culturally alienating. They call them holiday parties, but let’s face it. It’s a Christmas party with a token menorah for good measure. (much like the winter concerts at elementary schools. I see Santa on stage, you’re not fooling me.)

The other main beef I have is that these parties take place on my time, and I’m not getting a lick of pay. So what’s happening is you are forcing me, because face it, you can’t ditch, to hang with people for free, that I’m normally paid to associate with. Why can’t you bail? Everyone has somewhere better to be that night, douchebag. What makes you special? Then, you taunt me with free booze, but I need to refrain if I want to remain employed.

Then there’s the ridiculous notion that you need to buy your boss a gift. Not because you’re buddies, but because you want to keep seeing a paycheck. So off you go to the liquor mart, or florist, and purchase a wine you’d never drink, or a basket of shit you’d never eat, for a man or woman you don’t even like. (See Christmas Vacation for stellar example)

Top 5 reasons office parties suck:

5) Awkward conversations
4) Loose lips, sink ships
3) Ripe for sexual harassment suit
2) Unpaid labor
1) No chance of getting laid as well as keeping your job

So let’s sum it up.

New dress: $120
Hair done: $80
Shoes: $90
Babysitter: $40
Boss bribe: $20
Nail polish: $8
Pantyhose: $8
Total: $266

Watching that douchebag from accounting face plant into the eggnog? Priceless.

An office party is much like spending the holidays with those distant relatives, who both live in, and drive their 1973 VW with pride.

A necessary evil you gotta perform to keep the peace. But if it were up to me, I’d wrap up each and every one of your bosses in a bright red bow look him straight in the eye and tell him, “what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spineless, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is!”

“Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol”

Merry Christmas, fuckers.


About MsBehavior

I’m a vintage loving, suburban living, book collecting, kitchen destroying, thrifting ninja, single mama of a smart, salty, sassy teenager. Unicorn aficionado. Flamingo enthusiast. Love all things sparkly. Connoisseur of foul language. Insufferable do-gooder. Big mouth. Bigger heart. Biggest backside. Begrudging romantic. Will blog and tweet for money. I make things. You can buy those things. Hey man, I’ve got bills. View all posts by MsBehavior

5 responses to “Christmas with the co-workers

  • Paul Roth

    It’s like you’ve BEEN to my office holiday parties. Except everyone’s old or married but me so there’s not even a risky chance of getting laid.

    • bettiepeg

      If you read the hand book “Party antics sure to get you fired” you’d know that once the first few bottles have been downed, and people are feeling more loose, your chance of scoring with the married couple actually increases twofold.

  • Vanessa (Last Night's Leftovers)

    I love my work parties…but I work at a brewery, so it is likely a slightly different atmosphere than most offices. 😉

    • bettiepeg

      See, I can get behind that. It’s when you work in an office, and have to listen to everyone else drone on and on behind their cubical wall, and then you have to sit with them, and the dog faced wife who hasn’t had a social life since before the kids were born in 1975

  • TobyLauren

    J’s office parties are usually alright. We dread them until we get there and drink the first bottle of scotch, and then everything is fun fun fun.

    And because he’s in industrial electrical, they’d find you rude if you DIDN’T drop the f-bomb and laugh as a co-worker tea-bags the boss. And gets a promotion for his sense of humour. Really.

    Poker night or karaoke night, and lots of rowdy people.

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