Nothing says Christmas cheer more than forced frivolity. It’s not that I hate the concept of an office Christmas party, it’s the looking for a new job in the New Year that really grates my cheese.
To start with, if I cared, and was politically correct in any sense, not everyone has a holiday in December, so these parties start off being culturally alienating. They call them holiday parties, but let’s face it. It’s a Christmas party with a token menorah for good measure. (much like the winter concerts at elementary schools. I see Santa on stage, you’re not fooling me.)
The other main beef I have is that these parties take place on my time, and I’m not getting a lick of pay. So what’s happening is you are forcing me, because face it, you can’t ditch, to hang with people for free, that I’m normally paid to associate with. Why can’t you bail? Everyone has somewhere better to be that night, douchebag. What makes you special? Then, you taunt me with free booze, but I need to refrain if I want to remain employed.
Then there’s the ridiculous notion that you need to buy your boss a gift. Not because you’re buddies, but because you want to keep seeing a paycheck. So off you go to the liquor mart, or florist, and purchase a wine you’d never drink, or a basket of shit you’d never eat, for a man or woman you don’t even like. (See Christmas Vacation for stellar example)
Top 5 reasons office parties suck:
5) Awkward conversations
4) Loose lips, sink ships
3) Ripe for sexual harassment suit
2) Unpaid labor
1) No chance of getting laid as well as keeping your job
So let’s sum it up.
New dress: $120
Hair done: $80
Boss bribe: $20
Nail polish: $8
Watching that douchebag from accounting face plant into the eggnog? Priceless.
An office party is much like spending the holidays with those distant relatives, who both live in, and drive their 1973 VW with pride.
A necessary evil you gotta perform to keep the peace. But if it were up to me, I’d wrap up each and every one of your bosses in a bright red bow look him straight in the eye and tell him, “what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spineless, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is!”
“Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol”
Merry Christmas, fuckers.